After helping hundreds of guys figure out how to get over an ex girlfriend over the past couple of years, one of the things that I kept seeing over and over again – and yet it still never failed to amaze me – is just how long a lot of us tend to hold on to the relationship.
See, when we first have that “talk” – you know – the one where our ex delivers the bad news and tells us that she doesn’t feel the same way about us anymore and wants to break up.
Well, that’s usually the last thing we want to hear – or at least a close to second, right behind coming to terms with losing everything we have and letting our ex go.
So what do we do instead?
We fight for dear life to try to get her back!
We start calling and texting her over and over again to try to talk to her and figure out her reason for leaving. We try to convince her to give us another a chance and we promise her that we can make things work.
After being in this situation myself numerous times, I saw how powerful this urge to try to get her back really is and I started to wonder why we feel that way. Well, what I realized is that it’s really a combination of a lot of different things, which I share in the first chapter of my book on how to get over your ex-girlfriend.
But what’s really at the heart of it is the picture we have in our minds about how things used to be.
You know, back when everything was amazing and you guys were both so happy together.
And we continue to hold on to this glorified image of great things were in the beginning hoping that one day we’ll be able to experience that again. Even when the relationship is going downhill and you guys are always fighting and arguing, we still hold on to the hope that one day it’ll be like it was in the beginning again.
It’s kind of like having two round pegs that got chipped and turned into squares and you’re stubbornly struggling to get them to fit in the round hole, only to end up getting disappointed over and over again.
There’s a great quote that does a beautiful job of illustrating this concept and it goes…
“Relationships are like glass…
sometimes it’s better to leave them broken
than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together.”
And the only thing I hate to see more than two people hurting themselves by trying to put things back together is when one person has clearly moved on… while the other person is still holding on.
In fact, last week I got an email from a guy who got dumped 3 years ago and is still struggling to get over his ex girlfriend. He said a part of him was still hoping that one day she would just wake up and come back to him.
Here’s the thing: if you truly want to get over her, you have to prevent any hope of you two getting back together from even entering your mind.
The reason for this is because it’s going to be really hard for you to move on with your life, especially if in the back of your mind you’re secretly thinking about getting back together with her.
And sometimes your mind will even play a sneaky trick on you where it accepts that it’s over now but it still keeps the possibility of you two getting back together open for the future.
It makes you start thinking things like “maybe what we really need is just some time apart to grow, ya know, so I can learn from my mistakes and she can learn from her’s and we’ll come back together and it’ll be amazing again”
It’s a nice fantasy to entertain but it’s just that little hope coming up again because you’re afraid of losing her. And in a lot of cases, our ex is the one who actually instills this false hope inside of us. As they’re breaking up with us, they’ll often say stuff like “now’s just not the right time, but who knows what’ll happen in the future”
I don’t know if they’re not 100% sure of their decision themselves or they just don’t have a problem with this open-ended wishy-washy kind of thinking but I think the real reason is that, deep down, they feel like this makes it easier on us.
As she’s breaking up with you, she sees how devastated you are and subconsciously decides that giving you at least a little bit of hope is better than crushing you completely. You can think of it as her way of sugarcoating the knife that she just stabbed you in the heart with.
The irony of the situation is that her way of making things easier on you only makes things worse.
In fact, buying into the hope of getting back together in the future is one of the worst things you can do after a break up. It’ll literally keep you from getting over your ex.
You’ll be living in a constant state of inner conflict because a part of you will be like “okay, I’m done with her” while another part of you is still going to be holding on and you’ll end up stuck.
So if you guys broke up and there’s still an “open loop” – then you need to finish the job and close it just to make sure that there’s no misunderstanding between you guys.
Reach out to her and tell her that this is hard for you but you respect her decision and you’re moving on with your life. That way neither of you are secretly waiting around for one another and you both know that what’s done is done.
This is what people like to call “closure”
Closure is absolutely essential if you truly want to move on with your life.
So if you’re serious about getting over your ex, then from this point on, you have to be relentless about keeping any thoughts of you two getting back together from entering your mind.
Do whatever it takes to get yourself to accept the fact that you guys are done for good and nothing’s ever going to change that.
One of the things that really helped me come to terms with it was repeating this affirmation to myself out loud over and over again anytime I thought about her or wanted to reach out to her.
It’s over and she’s not coming back.
Not now and not sometime in the future.
Her chapter in your life is done.
And now it’s time for you to let go and move on.
Wishing you the best on your journey of recovery,
- Kevin
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over your ex girlfriend based on your situation
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There is one question that consistently falls into my mailbox from my readers. How do I get over my ex girlfriend? Unfortunately, this is a question that most men have thought about at least once in their life. Fortunately, if this represents you, there are some answers I’d like to share with you. Before we get to that, here is a question from one of my readers:
Question:
How do I Get Over My Ex Girlfriend?
You gotta help me out. My girl just dumped me for another guy. I’m in shock. I thought we would be together forever. I even made plans for our wedding and thought about how I was going to propose to her. Now, the bombshell drops. I don’t know what to do since I never saw this coming. What’s your advice? (James from Miami, Florida)
Answer:
Your question is one that has been faced by many others, including me. We fall for a girl who just isn’t as into us. What’s unfortunate is that we are so brainwashed into thinking that men know all of the answers to these questions to the point where it is almost embarrassing to ask. As men, this messes with our minds when we have moments where we have a hard time dealing with emotions, especially when girls are involved. Asking your buddies “how do I get over my ex girlfriend” is sometimes hard for a man for a few reasons:
1) Guys aren’t overly sensitive to other guys and don’t provide other men with the close-nit support that girls receive from their friends post-breakup.
2) Guys are supposed to make things work, including relationships. Any failure is like an “x” mark on his personality.
3) Guys generally deal with their emotions internally verses externally. This can lead to built up frustration and anger that isn’t noticeable to the outside world.
And since you were courageous enough to reach out for advice, I’m going to help you and the rest of my readers with this question by sharing three key tips to get you rolling in the right direction again.
Tip #1: Think Realistically
The downside of being in love is that you begin to think irrationally. You start to believe in destiny, soulmates, and more. While this is great to think about while in a relationship, it isn’t a realistic mindset once you end the relationship. The truth is, if the girl breaks up with you, there will always be someone in this world who was and is a better fit for you. Instead of idealizing your ex girlfriend, start to think about the negatives in your ex as well as what improvements you would like to see in your next girlfriend. Was your ex not supportive of you? Was your ex controlling? Look to find someone who doesn’t exhibit these characteristics.
Tip #2: Start Dating!
This may seem like a hard recommendation to some, but it might be the most vital of these three recommendations. If you are single, you will need to fill this void in some way. Dating others is a great way to start. Go out to social events (parties, bars, sports events, etc.) and talk to girls. If this isn’t your style, try online dating. However you do it, set up dates. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but you need to be in the presence of other girls to help you forget about your ex girlfriend.
Tip #3: Be Selfish and Single
Think of your single time as an advantage rather than a disadvantage. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself and do things that you’ve always wanted to do. Focus on travel, school, exercise, activities and simply spending quality time with those you enjoy being with. If you are able to enjoy your life by yourself, it won’t be long before girls begin to notice and become attracted to you.
Getting over your ex girlfriend will be rough. This will especially be rough if you were thinking about marriage. However, follow the three steps above to begin your process of moving on from the girl who broke your heart.
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over an ex girlfriend based on your situation
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One of the biggest mistakes I see guys make right after a break up is they fight desperately to try to get their ex-girlfriend back.
You know those movies where the girl comes running back into the guy’s arms after he finally does something to show her how much he loves her?
I hate to burst your bubble but those are just your typical “feel-good” movie endings!
But most guys don’t realize this and they think that they can get their girlfriend back by proving how much they love her.
They will call and text their ex over and over to try to understand her “reason” for leaving. They try to convince them that things will be different and they’ll plead for another shot.
In fact, some guys take things even further and they start writing her really long emails, letters and songs or sending her flowers and gifts.
For some reason, they tend to think that if she only knew just how much they love her, she wouldn’t leave. However, the thing you have to realize is that she’s NOT unconvinced of your love. That’s really not the problem.
She knows you love her, she knows you care about her, and she’s CHOOSING to break up with you anyways. Now I know that might sound a little harsh but break ups rarely happen because the person just isn’t feeling “loved enough”
The hard truth is that not only can she live without you…
but she’d rather live without you.
So if your girlfriend just broke up with you, you have to realize that trying to get her back is totally counterproductive and will actually make it a lot more difficult for you to get over her.
It’s a waste your time and energy because it doesn’t actually change her mind. On top of that, it also makes it tough for you to change yours.
See, the more you profess your love to her and make it seem like you can’t live without her; the more you start to believe that you won’t be okay without her.
This makes the break up a lot more traumatic and the loss becomes even harder to deal with. What you’re essentially doing is just putting up extra hurdles that are going to prevent you from getting over your ex girlfriend.
Plus, being totally vulnerable and spilling your heart to her will just hurt you even more once you realize that it didn’t really change her decision.
Sure, she may empathize with you, comfort you and genuinely appreciate your sincerity but it won’t actually change anything.
Once a girl has decided to break up with you; trying to get her back and pouring your heart out will only make you feel WORSE. In fact, nothing will make the heartbreak worse than opening yourself up to getting REJECTED again and again.
So here are the 3 key points…
1. Quit doing things to try to win her back!
2. Remember that you can’t move on with your life and try to get her back simultaneously.
3. Keep reminding yourself that you can’t truly get over her until you give up trying to get her back.
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over her
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